It’s completely fine to feel confused and wonder if you’re just panicking and dealing with post-breakup anxiety. You might be exhausted because their behavior can be quite uncertain and tiring. Being mistreated comes reflects also how they feel at the moment about you and their attachment style. To cut the breadcrumb and the stress that your ex causes you, you should take a step back and reflect.
Are they being mean or they’re dead serious about their decision?
You might be used to your ex being all affectionate to you and nice and warm. Yet, now that the relationship has ended, you have noticed that they are behaving differently. In reality, is your ex being mean or they’re just serious about their decisions? They might be cold and detached from you but they might not say or do anything mean. In this situation they’re not mean, they are just pulling away for some reason. Before jumping to the conclusion that your ex is being mean, try to take a step back and analyze your situation. ~If they didn’t insult you or posted anything insulting you then they’re not being mean. ~If they block you on social media and avoid meeting you, that doesn’t mean that they’re being mean. ~If they deny to communicate with you and don’t respond, that doesn’t mean they’re being mean. To get a grip on this matter, here are 12 reasons why your ex is mean to you:
1. They regret breaking up with you
Your ex is so mean when he broke up with you because he regrets his decision. All his anger comes from the inability to admit the truth. A narcissistic ex or someone who isn’t good at explaining his feelings will do it. Your ex might be emotionally immature and cannot deal with rejection or the breakup. While he is not able to deal with his feelings, he will get all those feelings and turn them into sadness and negativity. That’s why they will express their anger against you, just so they can camouflage their feelings.
2. This is their defense mechanism
People get over the breakup and react to it in different ways. If your ex is mean and rude to you that means that they can’t get over you. Just because they can’t shake it off, they try to create an illusion of you. They create a new version of you that is “mean” to them and they kind of try to mirror it. What they’re doing is trying to hide what they feel in reality. So, the first element of the defense mechanism is denial. They deny embracing reality and continue to romanticize your relationship. Hence, they do not express these feelings to you with love or ask you for forgiveness or to come back. They express these feelings with anger, backlashing, and being rude to you.
3. You had a dysfunctional relationship
Sometimes experiencing unrequited love and being the only one trying to make it work will make them hate you. The one who doesn’t experience needed love and attention in a relationship tends to be mean to you. All these feelings are suppressed while they tried to make everything work on their own. If you treated them unfairly and took advantage of their love or compassion, they will treat you badly. I am not implying that all exes who experience unrequited love or rejection will act the same. Yet, those who are fragile or sentimental tend to express these feelings with hate.
4. You treated them badly
If you slowly started to lose interest in your ex and made them feel about themselves, they’re going to be mean to you. All bad experiences and crushed self-confidence will lead them towards being rude and mean. Maybe you couldn’t be open with them and tell them that your feelings have started to change. You try to pull away from them and during this period you start to build negative feelings in your ex. They are confused and did not receive any answer regarding the breakup. All this situation instills hatred in them and they start to be rude towards you.
5. They want to cover their insecurities
The best way to explain why your ex is mad at you when they broke up with you is that they have insecurities. You might have been good to them but still, your ex is mean to you and keeps hurting you. They do it just because they want to hide their low-self esteem and their bruised ego. This might happen right after the breakup but also after finishing the No Contact Rule. Your ex might notice that the grass isn’t greener on the other side and they feel lonely and anxious. Because of it, your ex is afraid to be alone and feels like they made a mistake. To cover all of this, they get mad at you and even point at you for the insecurities that they have.
6. They have bad communication skills
Often, an ex that can’t express their feelings can’t vocalize their thoughts or feelings. When an ex can’t express their feelings or say exactly what they mean that leads them to be rude. Just because they can’t express their feelings, they think that you’re not considering their emotions. If you look at it from another perspective, you might see that it can be quite confusing. This issue is a product of their inability to communicate their needs. You might notice this inability during the relationship but it comes to the surface after the breakup.
7. They were brought up in a dysfunctional home
Upbringing plays a major role in how an ex reacts to the breakup. If they had a hard childhood and did not receive love from their parents, they will act mad. An ex is so mean and rude to you because they can’t detach from past feelings. The trauma and those negative feelings come in and they feel like they’re experiencing abandonment again. If they were not appreciated and treated badly by their parents, they will get mad at you. It means that their past trauma affects their momentary well-being and way of thinking.
8. They are afraid of commitment
They are so angry at themselves for not being able to commit and then become frustrated. As this study shows, lots of people are afraid of committing to their relationships for different reasons. Hence, when they fail at doing it and the relationship ends because of it, they turn the failure into anger. They are mad at you because they couldn’t keep you. Even for them is hard to not be able to maintain a relationship. Some are aware of it and others choose to ignore it. Being angry at themselves reflects on you too.
9. It depends on their personality
You should check if your ex is an extrovert or an introvert. It means that they see the world from a different point of view. Your priorities might not be the same and they can’t express their feelings the same as you. Indeed, an introvert will enjoy their time alone but after the breakup that becomes quite hard. They can’t recharge alone as they do usually. They miss you and want your presence. Also, for them is quite hard to initiate contact and ask you for forgiveness or to reconnect. All that they are feeling at the moment turns into something negative.
10. They think that you’ve moved on
If you have been using the No Contact rule then your ex might be bitter because they think that you have moved on. If you haven’t contacted them for a longer period than 6 months then they might think that you don’t want to go back. Even if this is your aim, they are mad because you weren’t asking them to come back or begging them. In this case, if an ex has a bigger ego then that might play a significant role in getting mad at you. Usually, men like to be chased after the breakup and want you as a woman to go and beg them to come back. If you use this time to detach and nourish yourself and don’t contact them, they will be mad and rude.
They might talk bad about you;
They might try to humiliate you in public or on social media;
11. Your ex is missing you
We come back to the point when your ex is not good at expressing their feelings. It depends on your situation but if your ex is a fearful avoidant, yes, they would miss you. Hence, they would not initiate contact and let you know that they are missing you. Instead of doing it, they camouflage this feeling or void with anger. In this situation, they might post quotes or any type of photos showing anger or disappointment.
12. You might be hypersensitive
If you’re a hyper-sensitive person then even comments or your ex’s behavior might come up to you as mean. If you’re dealing with an avoidant ex then they might be more straightforward. Hearing some things might hurt you and because it feels like it you might think that they’re mean. They might be saying the truth and explaining what they’re feeling at the moment. When an ex isn’t using any insulting words or badmouthing then it might be your type detecting such an issue. On the other hand, an ex might know that you over feel and they use this tactic to make you feel bad. Usually, a narcissist might use this as a manipulative tool to get back with you and control you.
How do you respond to a mean ex?
Depending on how your relationship ended, you might answer or not their text/calls or talk to them in person.
- Don’t answer their negative comments. If you were a part of a toxic relationship, it’s better to take a step back and just reflect. Avoid answering their backlash or anything that comes from your ex.
- Avoid justifying yourself. You don’t owe them any argument. You just don’t need to give a reason to someone who might have hurt or cheated you. Yet, if you have hurt or cheated on your ex then it’s better to let them calm down for a bit and then try to communicate. Always, if you haven’t given any closure and just have walked away, you owe them an apology.
- Draw your boundaries. You might answer them depending on if you want to end things for good and move on. You can do it on any other occasion just avoid answering to a narcissistic ex because you will give them the upper hand. They will use all those words and information so they can use it against you.
- Try to put yourself in your ex’s shoes and understand why they are acting like that. You don’t have to respond immediately, take your time. Just make sure that their and your needs are going to be met.
- You don’t have to match their energy. If you did nothing to make them mad and be disrespected like that, choose to not answer. Remember, that there is no need for you to explain your actions if you didn’t hurt your ex. Some exes will play mind games so they can erase their mistakes and not feel guilty.
- Don’t put your emotions to use. Avoid getting emotional because that will even interrupt your healing journey. To think more clearly and be subjective, you need to let yourself go through the stages of grief first. After you embrace reality, you can reflect properly on your ex.
How do you tell an ex is mean to you?
When an ex is mad at you, they will either try to either drag you down in their grief or shut you out. To be more precise, they will try to make your life more difficult either by communicating with you or not. Depending on their personality and your situation, they will be mean and rude to you in different ways. ~They might refuse to communicate with you about work or your children. ~They will refuse to give your things back or move out of your house. ~They try to humiliate you constantly and even say untrue things about you. ~They are talking bad about you to your friends, family, or even your colleagues. ~They downgrade you and try to elevate themselves. ~Your ex tries to make you jealous and rub their happiness in your face. All these various actions show that your ex is mad at you and is not ready to move on. If they were already trying to move on then they would try to not contact you at all. What I mean by not contacting you, I mean they do not try to either give you mixed hints or try to connect you indirectly.
The bottom line: Why is my ex being so mean?
Your ex is being so mean to you because they use their power to fulfill their post-breakup void. They’re still waiting for your validation to kind of continue and leave their life. It’s not a cliche statement because the reason that is bugging them pushes them to be mean to you. They are mean to you because they need to stay connected with you and you allow them to contact you. Anger and being mean to you are one of the stages of the breakup. Your ex might be experiencing resentment too. So, whatever the reason, try to reflect on yourself first. Don’t allow them to contact you and their anger to interrupt your healing process. If there is a need to apologize and fix the situation, reflect on your decisions and flaws too. All the best, Callisto Adams
