Your ex either wants to take revenge, keep a connection with you, or wants to cut all ties with you. You can find the answer to why your ex is keeping your stuff just by analyzing his behavior towards you. If they try to keep closer to you and keep your stuff then they want to reconcile or just have access to your life. In reality, an ex keeping your stuff might be directly linked with you but might also be linked only to your ex. This can be a confusing and frustrating time for you but the main thing to do is stay calm and reflect. Here are 10 reasons why your ex is keeping your stuff:
1. They want to keep a connection with you
No matter what, they want to keep a connection with you. They hope that maybe things will change and you will reconcile. In this case, they can’t detach themselves from the past and need you in their life. If there was nothing left for you to talk about or even communicate, they might use this reason to contact you again. This means that they’re done with you for good. There are bits of the past that hold them in the past. It can be anything, revenge, love, hate, and just because can be a reason too. Unless they do not grieve and go through the breakup stages, they will keep your stuff to reminisce.
2. They are playing mind games
A narcissistic partner will keep your stuff just to mess with your emotions and thoughts. Especially, if you left there something valuable to you. It could be your favorite photo from high school, a notebook, or just some expensive ornament. They will keep anything dear to your heart and they know that it’s hard for you to leave it behind. They will use this as an excuse and as bait to manipulate you. Your ex just wants you to suffer or go through the same amount of hurt that they went through. Thus, they feel fulfilled this way and give their ego a boost.
3. They haven’t moved on
Your ex still has feelings for you and is not ready to let you go. They might have been doing things wrong and making mistakes but they still want you in their life. This means that your ex might be stuck in limbo and they’re currently pondering their decision. If they don’t block you on social media or they don’t cut all communication with you, they are still pondering. In this situation, you should be careful and you the way they approach you or how they deal with the breakup. This will let you know a lot because if they haven’t moved on and plan on coming back they will treat you right. Also, they will try to be neutral and not express too many emotions.
4. They can’t cope with the breakup
When an ex is bitter about the breakup, they keep your belongings because they want to disturb your peace. Maybe they don’t have feelings for you anymore but they just can’t accept the fact of being dumped or rejected. They are still mad at you about that and what to keep your belongings so you will be reminded of them. In some way, they want to take revenge and make you suffer for your decisions. All this situation is more connected to the way they deal with their emotions and intrusive thoughts. They are letting hate win and direct their decisions and the way they react to the breakup.
5. They might have thrown your stuff
If an ex is totally done with you then they might throw your things so they don’t have a reason to think of you. This is something that most people do, they just clear their space from the things that might remind them of their ex. For some people, it’s really hard to focus on healing and moving on while having things that remind you. They might know that if they initiate contact with you, they’ll be worse. In this case, they can choose someone to send your things or any other opportunity, but they don’t do it. They are afraid that they’re giving you the upper hand and that you’re going to control them. Hence, if your things are valuable and expensive then you should check your legal rights to get your things.
6. They want to drag out the breakup
People drag out the breakup for different reasons: out of their love, pain, hate, or inability to proceed with the breakup. Mostly, anxious people tend to dwell on the past because they can’t accept the end of the relationship. They might have been too dependent on you and they can’t adjust quickly to your absence. In this case, for your ex is hard to break the pattern and start something new. More specifically, your ex-boyfriend won’t return your belongings because they will use them as bait. They think that by keeping your stuff, you will either go back to them or they will be happy even just to be connected with you.
7. They might be pondering their decision
It’s not a big deal to be confused right after the breakup. If the breakup happened so quickly then the dumper will have a lot of time to reflect after the breakup. So, now, they will keep your stuff until they have all their thoughts and feelings sorted out. During this time, they might not cut all communication with you. They will still care for you to some extent and they won’t talk bad about you or even send mixed signals. They just will take their space and time and reflect on their decisions without being influenced by anything.
8. They want to play the hero
A narcissistic ex will like to play post-breakup games just to get you hooked up and not let you go. They will keep your things for a while and then after some time, they will return them so they will look like a hero in your eyes. Your ex would like to push some buttons and take control of you. Their specialty is to make you go through a rollercoaster of emotions. One day they will make you mad, you will be angry, you will be desperate and the next day you will feel relieved. It’s all their game plan to keep you under their control by making you feel bad about your decision. By showing their “good” side, they want to make you confused and think that you might be the problem.
9. They just don’t want to contact you
If the relationship was toxic and the breakup was messy then an ex might choose to cut you out of their life. They might initiate the breakup and your things might be in their place. In this case, they just don’t even feel or want to send your things to you. They just don’t want to have any type of contact with you. Now, this situation might be harder than the other ones and they just don’t want to be exposed to trauma once again. Probably, they might have thrown these things or they might give them for charity. Either way, they will keep these things out of their sight and don’t want to have any type of communication with you.
10. They just don’t want to be misunderstood
Sometimes, an ex won’t return your belongings because they don’t want to send mixed signals. There have been so many cases when an ex took this in the wrong way. Always depends on your situation but also you might think that they might “apologize” to you by returning things. If your ex doesn’t want to reconcile then they just want to avoid anything that will make you think the contrary. They just want to think that they are allowing you to contact them because they want you back.
What to do if your ex is keeping your stuff?
When an ex is keeping your stuff the best thing to do is to stay calm and not react. Your reaction depends on your situation whether it is calm or dangerous.
- If your breakup was messy and you ended up on bad terms there are two things that you can do. You can ask someone a friend or a family member to go and take your stuff or ask your ex to send them to you. Hence, if this isn’t possible and your ex is threatening you with your belongings then you should call the non-emergency police number.
- Wait until they are in a better emotional and mental state. If your breakup was bad but your ex didn’t harm you in any way just wait at least a month. If those things aren’t necessary then wait until they can be in a better place to answer your messages. Especially, a dumpee might feel down and hurt after the breakup and still keep your stuff. So in this case, you just need to be patient and wait until you can communicate with them.
- If you can do without these things and are replaceable then choose to let those go. If the breakup was bad and the relationship was toxic, it’s better to let those things go. You need to move forward and not hold on to the past. Consider that those things will be gone with the past. Now you need to focus on what keeps you in motion and motivated.
- You can write your ex a letter to ask you to send your things in a public space. It’s better this way and you’ll get your friends, family, or someone that you trust to go and grab those things.
Can I sue my ex for not returning my things?
Yes, you can sue your ex for not returning your things back. For more detailed information you should communicate with a network attorney. In the beginning, they will help you start small and create some type of bridge to communicate with your ex. They won’t go and directly sue them. They will ask you to write a letter or exchange a few messages that they will help you craft according to the law. In this case, if you want to get your stuff back from your ex legally, finding the proper people to do it is the best choice. Here are a few sources that will help you find more information about it:
- Findlaw.com 2.Nydivorcelwyers.com 3.Womenslaw.com This procedure is not easy and you might feel like you’re stuck in a dark place but be consistent. You’ll be back on your feet if you take it one day at a time.
The end: Why won’t my ex give my stuff back?
Your ex won’t give your stuff back because they’re either mixed up, holding on to old feelings, or want to hurt you. There is a subtle connection between these reasons and they can be interchangeable. Your ex might still have feelings for you but at the same time might want to hurt you. On the other hand, your ex might feel mixed up but threw your things just to clear up their mind. There isn’t just a single reason that your ex won’t return your belongings. Don’t keep overthinking this situation and try to focus more on yourself. If you really need these things then try to solve the situation according to the law. You can get out of this situation and work it out. Believe in yourself, Callisto Adams
