At times you are “I want to call my ex” but on other days you aren’t sure if you should do it. Each one of us has wanted to initiate a call or even a text with an ex just because we missed them or thought that they still want us. Since every relationship is built differently and the breakup is manifested in different forms that’s why there are particular reasons why you should and shouldn’t call your ex. To balance your decision first check out 8 reasons why you shouldn’t contact your ex:
1. You are uncertain about your feelings
It is pretty normal to have mixed feelings after the breakup. One day you feel the urge to just wrap your hands around your ex while the other day you wish you never met them. It won’t be the proper moment if you call your ex while you’re still trying to heal yourself. At that moment that you are still wondering if your ex was emotionally attracted to you or if he/she was the one, you will hurt yourself. Your uncertainty will lead you to expectations that will not be as you imagined.
2. You fantasize about your ex’s stance towards you
After the breakup or during No Contact you might start to imagine what your ex might think or feel about you. You might have some expectations based on what your relationship was like and how you two broke up, yet you shouldn’t call your ex having certain expectations. Once you start to fantasize that your ex will want you back during the first talk after the breakup that means that you weren’t able to get over the breakup yet. This will bring many issues to you and your ex. If you were using No Contact and your ex continues to date someone else, in this case, you will be hurt. Will start to question your worth, you’ll blame yourself, will ask whether true love exists, or what made your ex choose the next partner instead of you.
3. Your ex asked you to not contact them for some time
If after the breakup your ex asked you to not contact them then it is better to give them some space and time before calling. An ex doesn’t want you to contact them because they have lost attraction and interest in you. At other times, an ex needs some time and space before deciding whether to rekindle the relationship with you. If your ex asked to not contact him/her at all and you had a bad breakup then it is better to follow the No Contact rule and be distant until you heal yourself. On the other hand, if you had a normal breakup and your ex said not to call for some time then go and heal yourself and have no expectations. When you start to value yourself again, that’s the moment when you should call your ex.
4. There were signs that your relationship is over
The moment your relationship is over and you had a terrible breakup, it’s better to step back and not be part of a toxic relationship again. By calling your ex back you will only be impacted negatively and be stuck in that breakup forever. Yet, if you have dumped your ex and during and after No Contact your ex hasn’t contacted you, it is better to continue and keep the distance. This way you won’t confuse yourself and your ex even more.
5. You are not over the breakup yet
Decide on calling your ex with a clear head. If you still have feelings for your ex and want to call them to get back together then you are just imposing reconnection. If you have been using No Contact then you don’t know whether your ex was or is dating someone, maybe their feelings have changed and they’re over the breakup. Being stuck in the circle of the breakup and constant grief will lead you to unwanted outcomes. You should call your ex once you are all nourished and don’t hold grudges with your ex. Then you will have a conversation from a different point of view.
6. You feel lonely and nostalgic
The first signs of experiencing grief after the breakup are: being lonely, confused, your heart bursts, and you are feeling nostalgic about your good times. Once you feel nostalgic and lonely that’s when the urge comes to call your ex. Even though it is very normal to feel this way and we understand you very well, that is not a strong reason to call your ex. If you call your ex while feeling all alone you might sound desperate and leave an impression that you can’t get over the breakup and you’re still dependent on them.
7. You will hinder the process of healing
The most effective way to get over the breakup and heal yourself is using the No Contact Rule. If you decide in an instant to call your ex even right after the breakup or during No Contact you won’t be able to focus on nourishing yourself. At the first stages of No Contact, you’re still affected by your ex. Calling your ex at this stage won’t be able to give you space to think clearly and also your ex won’t be learned with your absence. Thus, you might send mixed signals that will prevent you and your ex from moving on from the breakup.
8. Your ex has been breadcrumbing you after the breakup
Usually, the dumper would send mixed signals or texts after 3 weeks of No Contact since that’s when the breakup hits them. They might send a text saying “How they miss going to Soho’s with you” but they would never state that they want you back and that they have outgrown. Most women and men fall into this ‘trap’ of ‘my ex wants me back’ that leads you more to confusion and pain. If your ex doesn’t tell himself or herself that they have changed and there is a chance to reconcile things, don’t initiate a call with your ex with the hope of getting back together. 8 reasons why you should contact your ex:
1. You have moved on completely
You’ll know that you’ve healed and moved on when you don’t wake up every day thinking about what your ex is doing or whether they are thinking about you or not. Why we recommend calling your ex after you have moved on is that you’ll have a rational explanation for why you are calling your ex. You won’t have any expectations and you’re ready to face whatever reaction from your ex.
2. If you work at the same place and share the same responsibilities
Working at the same place or sharing the same house immediately obliges you to text or call your ex. You can call your ex and have a simple conversation when it comes to mutual responsibilities. Be aware not to mix your personal feelings the work that has to be done or the responsibilities that need to be taken.
3. Your feelings have changed after the breakup
Going through a breakup and using No Contact your feelings will not be the same anymore. Now you will have a new perspective on yourself, your relationship, and on your ex. Choosing to understand and accept these feelings will help you vent your rage and despair. If you want to call your ex now you will know exactly why and you’ll know how you feel towards him or her.
4. You need to get your things from their place
If while using No Contact, you concluded that you are over the breakup and this relationship. You realized that you don’t want to be part of this relationship and now you want your things back from your ex’s place. Now you will know how to control your thoughts and emotions. It will be easier for you to call your ex when you’re stable yourself and ask to get your things back. Be aware that their reaction would be from getting mad at you to accepting the fact that your relationship didn’t work.
5. You realized that you want to reconcile your relationship
Spending time apart helps you in realizing your true feelings about your ex. If a breakup was mutual then exes will still care for the well-being of one another. Of course, a breakup is hard to bear but when you break up on good terms it will be easier to face the pain and reconcile the relationship. If you see that there is a chance to reconcile things then give your ex a call just to check how they’ve been. Don’t rush into talking about getting back during the first talk.
6. You have a child together
This is an exceptional case when you can call your ex after the breakup. If you two have a child then it is nothing wrong to give a call to your ex when you need their help regarding the child. To not send mixed signals or even hurt yourself, try to keep the conversation around the questions that you have or the help that you need.
7. You broke up for the wrong reasons
After the breakup, you will be able to reflect on your relationship more than when you were part of it. Sometimes, breakups happen in a blink of an eye. The breakup can happen because of a lack of communication or because you were both stubborn to work things out. If the distance after the breakup made you realize that then you might give a call to your ex but have in mind to not have any type of expectations. Note: Still, you have to priorly know what your ex is feeling at that moment, if your ex is in another relationship, or if they have moved on.
8. You’re certain that you’ve made a mistake
If you have initiated the breakup and doubted your choices after the 4th week of being in No Contact then you should give your ex a call. During the No Contact, it will bug you if you should call the ex that you’ve dumped. What you should take into consideration here is your ex’s emotional state. You can let your ex know that what you did was a mistake and that you want to apologize. Keep in mind that your ex might not feel the same as you and won’t accept your apology. Be gentle and accept your ex’s decision too.
How to stop yourself from contacting your ex?
Being addicted to a relationship after the breakup is quite understandable. That relationship is like a habit that you need to change. You change your habit by changing your daily pattern. The moment you interrupt the daily pattern there will be changes in you. ~Start by asking yourself what is driving you to make this kind of decision. Is it loneliness, boredom, or that you might feel small without your ex’s presence? You can change this pattern by focusing on other activities that will help you feel less lonely or bored. Attend activities that include a number of people. It is very common to feel lonely and accompanied at the same time but those mixed feelings will help you to heal. ~You can continue by setting a rule for yourself when you feel the urge to contact your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Instead of texting or calling your ex, you can write that text message or those thoughts down. Let those negative feelings and those thoughts be written somewhere before sending them to your ex in an instant. ~ Delete or block your ex’s number. The best way to control yourself and be able to not contact your ex is by not having his or her number. Not having their number is the best way to control yourself. You create this habit of not talking to your ex and after three weeks or more you will start to get used to it. ~ Take small steps in learning how to be emotionally stable. You can do it by seeking change in yourself. I am not implying changing your appearance (if that makes you feel confident, that would be great). I mean, learn to focus and seek the change within you. If you weren’t able to make decisions by yourself in this relationship try to make decisions now for yourself. If you want to be more confident then try to speak what you feel and mean with your friends and family. ~ When you feel bad that’s when you feel the urge to contact your ex. Instead, learn to lean on yourself. You can start this process by speaking to your friends and family. Let yourself know what your strengths are. If you are good at volunteering then do it and connect with people that you will have different conversations which will shape you more. ~ The most important one is to have a plan. Know where you are and where you want to be. Don’t be harsh on yourself and slowly embrace the breakup.
- I called my ex after a year of breakup but they canceled it and did not respond to my messages? What should I do? A year is enough time for you and your ex to reflect on your breakup. If you haven’t been contacted yet since the breakup then your ex’s stance towards you and feelings might have changed. If this has been your first text and call after the breakup then your ex didn’t respond because maybe the breakup was hard for them. They may have moved on or don’t want to be a part of this relationship again. Wait a week and if you don’t get an answer then it is better to look forward and move on.
- Should I call my ex if they haven’t reached me yet? Yes, you should but that depends on what type of relationship you had, the reason you broke up, and the personality of your ex. If you are all healed and want to reconcile things you can first initiate a text to get a grip of your ex’s emotional state. After this, according to your situation and to their reaction, you might continue with a call.
- When your ex answers the call, what does that mean? An ex might answer the call for different reasons. They might be reflecting on the relationship and have missed you. They might like the attention that you’re giving for that moment and that makes them feel powerful at some point. On the other hand, if an ex answers your call after a breakup you might want to be polite and not hurt your feelings or just be on good terms with you. The most important thing is to ask yourself why you called them? After having this answer you might know how your ex is reacting according to your aim. Don’t rush into calling or not calling your ex just because you feel like it. First, be open to changes and be able to notice how this relationship will impact you or your ex. Embrace your ex’s reaction and try to move on by improving yourself! Best, Callisto
