There are no quick fixes and if you want to rebuild a relationship then change isn’t something linear. Getting back together after a breakup isn’t always successful. Every situation and every breakup is unique. To mend a broken heart and earn trust requires a longer period. It can’t happen in a blink of an eye. Evidence-based studies show that 33% of couples who used to live together reconciled the relationship. Backed up by scientific data, researchers claim that among couples who were married, 20% of them got back together after the breakup. Getting back together doesn’t mean manipulating your ex’s feelings or thoughts to win them back. That means you need to work and create the best version of yourself first. To navigate your situation better, follow these 12 tips:
1. Take a step back and observe
To heal yourself from the breakup and rekindle the relationship, it all starts with distancing yourself for a bit. The best way to do it is by using the No Contact Rule and focusing on your enhancement. When you cut communication with your ex for a while, you can grieve and reflect better. It will be hard at the beginning but without giving yourself and your ex some space, change won’t happen. Let’s say that you will be constantly up to your ex’s face, that won’t change their mind. On the contrary, the distance will enable them to miss you and value you even more.
2. Rebuild the trust
Losing trust in a relationship isn’t always a product of cheating. The trust might be lost in a relationship because they just feel like you didn’t treat them right. They feel like they aren’t your priority anymore. The moment there is a vacancy in the relationship that they need to fill on their own, the trust is broken. In this case, you need to start small. You need to take action more than just say empty words. ~Let’s start by showing them why you first fell in love with them. ~Then continue with what you like about them and how they impact you. ~Show your ex that their opinion matter. ~Ask them for suggestions and give your opinion too. It is all about creating a specific type of communication and consistency.
3. Don’t hesitate to reflect o your mistakes and apologize
You can only make a relationship work after a breakup by reflecting on your behavior too. I know that if you are hurt from the breakup or on the contrary, you tend to focus on the mistakes of your ex. Yet, this won’t help you in any way. You can’t get back together if your focus is always on what they did wrong. I am not implying that you need to ignore their mistakes. What I am saying is that you need to know what can be done more from your side. You can do it only by working on yourself and being consistent. If you were afraid of being committed or didn’t know how to communicate your feelings, work on it. Construct a good post-breakup first conversation so you can have a nice talk without any incident.
4. Work on communication
Communication is the key to making a relationship work again. You might have struggled to communicate your feelings or listen to your ex. Either way, before getting back together with your ex, you need to understand yourself.
Reflect on what you are feeling and verbalize those feelings.Respect your ex’s perspective.Try to understand your ex’s emotions too.Discuss what you have learned throughout the breakup.Don’t be afraid to ask for a little bit of compassion and help from your ex.Avoid putting yourself down just because you have trouble communicating.
Couples who break up and get back together and still don’t have a proper way of communication, don’t last. The same conversations will be brought up and the same experience and past mistakes will be made.
5. Ask yourself why you want to do this
When people break up they do it for a reason, also when they got back together they do it for a reason too. You need to have a clear idea of why you want to get back together with your ex. Otherwise, going back just because you feel anxious or alone won’t help you to rekindle the relationship. On the contrary, it will bring up the same topics that you discussed earlier on. You will feel needy and codependent. This will make your ex pull away and not give you a second chance. Before doing it, work on your feelings. Learn to love yourself and spend time on your own. It’s about accepting solitude and getting along with it. Being alone doesn’t always mean that you are lonely.
6. Try to analyze your situation in detail
After the breakup, a lot of confusion is created especially when you still have feelings for your ex. In the beginning, you might think that you can fully analyze your situation without being biased. Hence, you need a professional opinion if you want to know what to do specifically. You can do it with the help of the amazing coaches of Relationship Hero. You will have a chance to make a one-on-one session and they will monitor your progression. The first thing that they will do is listen to your experience and ask questions to get an idea. The questions will be related to your ex, you, and the breakup.
Who initiated the breakup?How did it happen?How long you have not been together?
All these questions lead them to create a specific plan of recovering only for you. Thus, you will work on your emotions first and on your flaws. After that, you will be able to know exactly what you want in the relationship.
7. Avoid forcing compatibility
In general, people break up for different reasons. One of these reasons might be an incompatibility. Hence, you tend to not be aware of it because you want so badly to make this relationship work. With a few words, you romanticize the relationship and you control or revolve yourself around it. You need to agree to disagree. Maybe this incompatibility seems momentary and can be worked on. You need to stay calm and reflect on a long-term plan. Think of how would you see yourself and your ex in five years. Try to be subjective and romanticize your ex so you think that you have a future together.
8. Spend some time on your own
Before jumping to immediate conclusions and getting back together, try to learn more about yourself. Sometimes, in a relationship, a person might lose themself. Along the way, you might focus on making the relationship work and making your ex a better person. Now, after the breakup, you have plenty of time to get to the original version of yourself. You can know yourself to the core only if you spend more time alone. Reflect on what makes your heart pound and what fuels the fire in your soul. If it is traveling or taking dancing lessons, do it. The version that you will create, will give you a lot of answers.
9. Work on the level of relationship investment
Getting back together after a break won’t be a hard thing if you learn how to invest in the relationship. If lack of investment was the reason that you broke up, fixing it will be the element that will bring you together. I know that it is not an easy thing to do especially when you are broken or feeling guilty. Hence, what you need to do is reflect on what you didn’t invest in the relationship. ~You didn’t spare much time for your ex. ~You didn’t invest your feelings and weren’t vulnerable with your ex. ~Maybe you just weren’t present for your ex when needed. Spending time on your own and maybe getting your friends, family, or an expert’s opinion will help you. Getting a second and third opinion, in this case, will help you to pin down the issue.
10. Try to focus more on your emotional side
How to get back after a breakup? The number one rule is to work on your feelings and emotions. Being emotionally stable and working on your feelings is quite important. When you are independent and confident enough, you will reflect differently on your relationship and your ex. Let’s take, for example, you won’t need your ex’s validation just because you have low self-esteem. If you work on this aspect, you will be able to love your ex but still feel good on your own. This is what strengthens the relationship and not being dependent on your ex. You need to maintain strength otherwise bad habits will come back like they always do. As John Gray stated: “Everyone needs reassurance but every other partner needs to connect and disconnect”. This means that to get back together you need to give your ex space and time too.
11. Understand your ex’s needs
If you were wondering whether couples can get back together after months or years apart the answer is yes. You can make a relationship work after a breakup if you try to understand your ex’s needs and perspective too. I am not implying to be overly friendly immediately after the breakup but you need to show compassion. If you still have feelings for each other and are working on your flaws, then you should be a little bit more compassionate. Only this way you will understand what caused the breakup and if the reason is fixable. On the other hand, if you focus only on your needs, you will have a fixed opinion about everything.
12. Set your boundaries
As I talked about compassion, understanding, and getting into your ex’s issues, now I recommend setting boundaries. Even after the breakup, you need to understand and be understood. Otherwise, an ex might take you for granted if you only focus on them. A relationship is all about two people creating a sort of understanding to make things work. Finding the way back to your ex isn’t always easy. That’s why you need to break up and find your purpose and enjoy your journey. That’s what will help you in getting back together and starting a healthy relationship.
Is it healthy to break up and get back together?
It’s a healthy way to break up and get back together only if you use this time and space to reflect. When you love one another so much but you need to give each other space to evolve, then the breakup is a good thing. Staying together and not knowing how to mend the relationship, will lead you to a toxic relationship. That’s because you won’t have the opportunity to sit alone with your thoughts and see what’s the problem. Then you will understand that you might hurt the person you love more by staying with them than taking some time apart. This doesn’t mean that breaking up will always be the key to getting back together. You should know first why you are breaking up and you need to seek change. You need to work constantly on what is preventing the continuity of your relationship.
Can people get back together after a long breakup?
Yes, couples do get back together after a long time. Indeed, you can get back together with your ex after years or after a broken engagement. A broken relationship can be fixed the moment you know that you still have feelings for your ex and work on your flaws. That’s quite possible when you know why you want to get back together. An ex can come back even years later because they were reminded of your value. Hence, this doesn’t mean that the intensity of their feelings is the same. They might love you still but not to that extent as they did years ago. An ex might come back because they feel lonely after many broken relationships. This doesn’t mean that they are back to make the relationship work. When an ex is back after some years and sees a future with you, they will let you know. There is just a simple thing that reminds an ex after a long breakup that you might be the cant could be a broken relationship, a song, or someone similar to you, your values, being understood only by you…
How long do breakups last before getting back together?
Every breakup lasts differently from another one. This depends on how you and your ex can work on your feelings and flaws. When you break on bad terms, it takes more time to heal and get over the breakup. Without grieving you can’t go back to form a healthy relationship. The more it takes time for someone to work on their feelings the healthier and more sustainable will be. This means that forming a long-term healthy relationship for a second time needs more consistency. For someone, it might take months or a year to recover and invest time and feelings in the best way possible. Each day you should consider what did you today and what can be done better. Working on yourself is something that you should consider doing every day and you’ll know when you are ready to be back.
Break up and get back together…
Sometimes the breakup will be for the best because it might be a ticket to a healthier and stronger relationship. When the breakup happens and you don’t want to do it but it had to be done, sometimes it has a way back. To grow as an individual you will need your space and time to reflect on everything that you are doing. Otherwise, staying together even though you love one another isn’t enough to get back together. What you need is to take a step back and work on your flaws. Reflect and choose what fulfills you the most. All love, Callisto Adams
