To stop arguing with your boyfriend or significant other over text, you need to be able to control the situation. You need to de-escalate the situation and not turn a text argument into a fight. What you can do is take a step back and even if it’s necessary then you can put your phone away for a couple of hours. It’s better to ignore him for a bit and let the situation cool down. In the end, arguing is part of every relationship but it’s important to know to do it without impacting you negatively. Here are 15 tips to end an argument over text:
1. Seek clarity: Avoid arguing while being confused
If you’re having a heated argument and it happens out of nowhere stop and search for an answer. Try to ask him politely, what’s bothering him and if you can do anything to solve this. You can never end an argument with your boyfriend if you’re not sure of what this fight is all about. What fuels more the fight is assuming and speculating, especially if you’re discussing serious topics. Discussing these kinds of topics over text can become quite toxic. You might say some things that cannot be easily said in person. Saying it over text is easier and can be quite misleading too. To neutralize the situation you can text him and say: “I am trying to understand how you feel but can we clarify how we ended up on this argument once again?” “I apologize if I did something to make you feel bad.” With these types of texts, you allow him to pin down what is making him angry, uncomfortable, and mad with you.
2. Request to not argue over text
Arguments over text might start over something stupid or something important. Either way, most of the time, heated arguments over text start because something important is said over text. That’s why you should ask him to understand that you need to carry the conversation in person or over the phone. Being in each other’s presence will have a considerable impact. When you meet each other and talk face to face, you will get a different vibe from them. There’s a lower chance to misunderstand one another when you express what you’re feeling in person. Body language it’s easier to be decoded when you interact with them and not over text. To decode his behavior and where all this anger is coming from, you might pin down it with the help of a relationship coach. You should know that he might not accept this immediately and might ghost or ignore you for days. What might prevent him from meeting you in person is his attachment style or the fear of confronting you.
3. Try to put yourself in his shoes
The best way to end an argument over text is to understand how he’s feeling. You need to be subjective and try to reflect on things from his perspective. I am not implying that he might always be right but shifting your mindset from you to him, will help you to reflect differently. Know that is not always easy for him to express his emotions and why he’s feeling this way. Now, is your time to dig a little deeper. Take a step back and calm down for a few minutes. Then you might text him this, for example: “You might be right and I am trying to understand what you’re feeling. Tell me and let’s work it out together.” Now, you simply shift your energy and perspective from you to him.
4. Check and state if you need a break
It’s important to stay calm if you want to end an argument over text. Put your phone away for a few minutes and reflect on how this argument started. If you feel that whatever you might say this argument will be prolonged, you need to take a break. Tell him that you need to take a break, why you need to do it, and how long it might take. He might not react positively and even prolong the argument but you should declare your decision. Some examples: “Texting one another right now can only hurt us more. Can we calm down for a day or two and then talk?” “Right now it’s hard to handle all this and find a solution. We can talk again later on.”
5. Seek to find a mutual solution
To find a mutual solution while having a text argument you should make requests instead of complaints. When you make requests and you are compassionate about your relationship, you will step up the game. If you state your needs, you will prevent any further arguments or text fights. Try to be open and vulnerable with your boyfriend or significant other. “I cannot know how you’re feeling or what am I doing wrong until you state it.” “I am not feeling good doing this and neither you are. I just want to feel that you’re listening to me so we can work it out.” “Listen I just want to have a great and fun time with you. And I want to transmit the same energy to you too.”
6. Don’t interrupt immediately what he is saying
You might notice that I am constantly stating that you should be subjective. Indeed, this is the key to ending an argument over text. If you make the whole conversation only about you then this will lead you to another argument. It’s just like a never-ending cycle and things will get worse. Give him space to share his thoughts and his feelings too. You and your boyfriend might have different texting patterns but while arguing, you should use the same ones. Especially, regarding the text length. Don’t try to write a long paragraph if they answer with just two short sentences. It’s important to avoid long paragraphs because you will prolong the argument even more. Wait, for him to finish what he’s saying and then send the other text. When you want to end the argument you should send a final one just to break the tension. “I read your text and I am not happy that you’re feeling this way. Can you just give me a day and I’ll come back to you.” Your requests or statement should be made according to your boyfriend’s attachment style. If you request a day off and your boyfriend has an anxious attachment style then he will continue with another argument. Thus, he can wait no longer without getting a certain explanation.
7. Don’t be afraid to apologize
If you think that you might have hurt him and impacted the relationship negatively then it’s better to take the first step. Just know that apologizing doesn’t make you weaker. On the contrary, if you apologize then you will be the one that will save the situation. When you do it, you change the pattern of the conversation. In the meantime, you will trigger his feelings and thoughts. He will try to put himself in your shoes too. It doesn’t mean that you have to accuse him or blame constantly yourself. Just state what you think you could have done wrong and what you can do to make it better. “I am not proud that I have not valued your effort and I am sorry about it. I am open to working together so I can change for the better.” “I understand that you’re frustrated and mad with me. That might have hurt you and no words in this world can take it away. If you need some extra texts to apologize here are 51 unique texts to use!
8. Be open and don’t use sarcasm
It’s very important, to be honest, but to some extent, and not use your words to fuel the fire. You can share with your boyfriend your feelings and apologize but make sure to not cross the limit. Sometimes, it’s better to leave something unsaid over text. He might misunderstand even your apology and he can pick another fight. If you have cheated, lied to him, or hurt him in any other form, choose to solve this in person or via a call. Also, when the situation is tense, you should avoid making jokes that will irritate him. Using sarcasm in your text won’t help you to end an argument over text. You can use light jokes to ease the tension but don’t make jokes to make him feel bad.
9. Don’t let your emotions lead your thoughts and interfere with the conversation
When you’re mad and you don’t have to confront him in person, you might write some bad bad stuff. That’s why you should take a short break and not interact with your boyfriend for the day. It depends on how many minutes or hours it takes for you to calm down. It’s obvious that he will notice that you stopped texting for some minutes or hours. Yet, it’s important to be calm if you want to get back to that text and reply. If you’re not writing out of pain or anger then you can end the argument.
10. Stick to the point
If you want to end an argument with your boyfriend over text, you need to be straightforward. When you start to make a counterfeit then you should know what you want to state. If his behavior is bothering you then make your statement about it. Don’t go accusing him of other things that might have bothered you earlier on. When you stick to the point, you keep your paragraphs short and you can end your argument easily. The moment you start to point out other problems than the actual one, you are already creating another argument.
11. Place your limits too
If you’re arguing right now, it’s better to set your boundaries too. He might either like it or not but you will end the argument at least from your side. If he continues the conversation it’s better to let him calm down too. Sometimes no answer is an answer. I understand that you might be worried that he will text you again after you ignore his last text. Yes, he will do it, if you have stated clearly your boundaries and pointed out what went wrong. This distance should help him reflect on his behavior. “Jake, I always tried to understand and help you solve your problems. I just want all this to be symbiotic and not partial.”
12. Don’t ignore his text messages without letting him know
You can let him know that you need some time to reflect. Sometimes you need more than just half a day or half a week. It all depends on what type of situation you got yourself in. Suggest him a short break so that both of you can pull yourself together and work it out. You cannot end an argument if you go and ghost him for some days. This won’t make him miss you immediately or make him pursue you more. In the end, this type of behavior will irritate him even more so he will start to pull away. That’s why you need to let your boyfriend know that you need some space and time alone. First, you need to state your reasons, and if you want you can let him know how long will it take for you to process all of this.
13. Talk about his actions don’t make it a trial
You can state his actions but not accuse him immediately because over text many things can be misunderstood. You cannot depict his emotions or vice versa. Try to let him know that his words or actions are hurting you. You can text him back and say: “I respect you and I am trying to understand you, but can we find a middle way to talk about this issue?” You have to agree to disagree. Use this text to calm them and yourself. Do not see texting as a primary form of communication. Just let him subtly what you’re feeling and give him space to express himself too.
14. Bring out the positive side of both of you
There are some positive methods that you can use to end an argument over text. Name what you like the most about one another and what keeps the flame in your relationship. Doing this will help you to ease the tension and not let one another say hateful things. Make it a game and get him and yourself to list the top 5 traits that he likes about you and vice versa. You can use memes or gifs to make it more fun. Hence, you should be careful how you use this tip because if he’s sensitive or doesn’t like jokes, he might take it personally. He might think that you’re not taking his words and needs into consideration.
15. Use a safe word to break the tension
A safe word can make your life easier while having arguments with your boyfriend. If you get constantly even in small arguments but that later on turn into something big, make a deal with one another. Choose a word that only you and he will know for what you’re using it. It can be anything fun and playful. Choose the word, candy, heart, sky, cloud- anything that will decrease the pressure. When you notice that the argument is heated then you can just text: “Sam, Candy!” “Omg, Jim, look a TREE.” Immediately he will start to feel a bit relaxed and then you can start the conversation differently. That’s because you broke the negative pattern that was evident in your conversation. Be careful, don’t mix a safe word that is used while having an argument and while having sex.
Extra phases to end an argument over text!
Not all couples are the same and arguments are different too. If you are having a subtle argument, you don’t need to use the same phrases as you use while having a serious argument. The argument that is about “Where to eat?” and “Why you’re pulling away.” aren’t the same types of argument. That’s why, you need some extra phrases so you can copy, paste, and adjust to your situation.
“I would like to continue the conversation when both of us are calm and ready to think clearly.” “Let’s be real, I love you. Then, can we continue this tomorrow while having a coffee and a croissant?” “I think that both of us aren’t our real selves. Can we end it right here and talk when we are calm?” “Well those words hurt my feelings. I just don’t want to do the same to you. I won’t continue it like this.” “I never wanted to neglect either your feelings or you. I am so sorry about that and I want to take responsibility for it.” “I thought that in this relationship, we chose both of us to be heard. Until that point is reached I would like some space.” “This conversation is making both of us look ugly. We can continue talking about this when we can reflect differently.”
Before using any of these phrases, try to control your temper. Secondly, ask yourself what this conversation means to you. Thirdly, reflect on what soothes both of you and what would make you feel better.
One last word!
You can end an argument over text just by being positive, self-reflective, and setting boundaries. Any of these elements will either bring out the best in your partner or not. It’s important to change the pattern but not the direction of that conversation. That’s because if you match his energy then you will end up having endless types of arguments. So, to avoid this, you need to see the situation from another perspective. You need to be the narrator of this story and be able to reflect like you are a character watching this story from the outside. I understand that’s not something easy to do, especially when you’re mad and hurt. Yet, controlling your thoughts and feelings by taking a step back, will get you better results. Sincerely, Callisto Adams
