Not defining the relationship is not much of a great sign. Those positive expectations and the hopes start getting shaky once we spot those little not-so-great signs. Do you find yourself having this gut feeling that he is not committed? Do you feel like you are being used? You’re left feeling confused, perhaps blaming yourself for something you might’ve done. Is he using you, truly? Let’s go together through 22 signs that he is using you:
1. He talks to you only when it’s convenient for him
Unfortunately, the inconsistency in texts might suggest that he talks to you only when he wants to. He wants to talk or meet with you only when it is convenient for him. It doesn’t matter if it causes you any trouble, it’s him that matters. And when you ask to reschedule, he guilt-trips you into meeting him. Which might suggest that he put his needs first rather than yours.
2. He doesn’t want you on his social media
It postulates that he might have something to hide. That’s because social media profiles are the way he presents himself to the world. Thus, his refusal to share his social profiles leaves room for interpretation. He will refuse by saying something like:
“I don’t use social media much”;“Social media is overrated. Let’s keep it between us two”;“I don’t have social media.”
By refusing to give out his social media, he secures the chance to still fish around.
3. He wants you to put in more and more effort
He does nothing to make you believe that he is trying in this relationship. Sometimes, this is considered a narcissistic move. He makes no effort towards planning and spending time together with you. Rather he expects it from you since you are the one that likes him. And yet, even when you are the one putting an effort, he needs you to do it under his terms. Sometimes these terms include things as:
Meeting you once a week (e.g. Saturdays only);It needs to be either at your place or his;Not showing affection in public;Keeping things hush-hush between you.
If you find yourself under such unfortunate circumstances, you might be being used.
4. He doesn’t go beyond small talk
He doesn’t open up and doesn’t become vulnerable with you. It’s rather the opposite. What he shows are only surface-level things, and doesn’t dive deeper to show his true self. Additionally, when conversations get more serious, he changes the subject and attempts to close that part off. Also, there is no sign of curiosity on his side to get to know you better. You can try to ask him some personal questions such as:
Where did you grow up?Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?What was your favorite hanging spot back in the day?
By refusing to answer personal questions he just adds that he prefers to not open up to you.
5. He’s playing hot and cold
There is an instability of communication between you. You’ll be talking to him today and he will disappear for the rest of the week. Then he’ll come back, and it becomes a repetitive cycle. He is not consistent with his behavior. He is unpredictable and unreachable most of the time. You do not feel secure since you can not predict his actions nor the next time he’s going to leave.
6. He doesn’t want to be seen in public with you
Whenever you suggest going out of the house, he’d rather not. Some of the excuses are things like:
He is too tired;
Feels lazy to go out today;
Doesn’t like going out much;You’ll go out next time (yet that time never seems to be coming);
He only wants to spend time with you in private.
Also, he just wants to keep his options open and not limited to you. A public appearance with a partner does that. It brings limitations to checking/hunting for other people.
7. He is not responsive to text/calls
This simply goes to tell how much of a value you are to him. If he takes hours or days to answer a text, it might not indicate a favorable situation. Or when he doesn’t call or text when he said he would. That’s a major no-no. However, if at times he is being responsive and taking the initiative to text first, he might be planning to ask you to do a favor for him. This happens when he needs it and it is nothing out of the ordinary, as long as it is reciprocal. So you act as his time filler, simply there when he has nothing going on and needs to keep himself busy and engaged.
8. He doesn’t do “planned dates”
All of your dates are spontaneous. Things are rarely scheduled for the foreseeable future. You only get calls/texts if you’d like to meet him later that night. This is because you are only his backup. He doesn’t wine and dine. On those rare occasions when you plan to go out, he’ll call and cancel them, if he is a gentleman, or just stand you up. That’s because you are not his priority. If something better and more interesting comes along, you’ll be at the end of the tunnel.
9. He calls only late at night
Usually, late-night calls are assumed to indicate that he wants sexual favors. He calls late at night to tell you that wants you to go to his place, or to plainly have a conversation that’ll eventually lead to a sex talk. You might find it strange that these calls come late at night. This is rather a Netflix and chill suggestion. Only that you will be skipping Netflix and jumping straight into the chilling. So, just be a bit careful. Not everything can be crystal clear. Listen to what your gut says.
10. He’s active on dating sites
Usually, it is not socially acceptable to still be surfing Tinder while being in a relationship. Surely, you wouldn’t like him to be active on Tinder. Even if he might not mean anything by it, it can raise some doubts. The outcome suggests that he is looking for somebody new and you are not the only one on his mind. He is still roaming to find someone else and doesn’t seem to bother him that it bugs you.
11. His words and actions don’t match
He will be saying something else and end up doing completely the opposite. There will be contradictions when you ask him about your relationship. So he acts as if you are in a relationship, but refuses to admit to it. Or you will be labeled as his partner but he will not treat you as one. Hence you find yourself asking where you fit in his life.
12. He says ‘that’s not up to you’
When you try to make decisions for the two of you, he gets angry or annoyed. And when the roles are reversed, he says “that’s not up to you”. Anything that might contradict him is made a big deal. Annoyance, anger, and displeasure are caused when you act out of your ‘role’.
13. He doesn’t want to talk about the future
You are not part of his future. Whenever he makes future plans you are not in the picture. And when that topic arises in regard to your relationship, he will change the topic and stay as far from it as possible. The discussion of the future seems to be a hot topic and makes him very nervous. Thus, if the subject is avoided and not discussed, it’s because he doesn’t want you in it.
14. He never initiates anything
You seem to take action to meet him and he seems to play more of a passive role. Texting and calling are always initiated by you and rarely by him. Any kind of arrangements such as dates or activities is done by you so that more time can be spent together. Thus, when any form of initiation is missing from his side, it’s because he doesn’t want to put effort into the person he is using.
15. “I don’t want a relationship right now”
Whenever you pester him about putting a name to whatever is going between you two, he says “I am not looking for a relationship right now.” Then what are you waiting for? If he acts as if you were in a relationship as if you’re ‘his’, and as if ‘you belong to him’, yet he claims to not want a relationship, that’s a sign as clear as the day that he is clearly using you. Especially when your relationship is based on physical intimacy rather than emotional connection. Such conformations of not being ready to commit shouldn’t be taken lightly.
16. He openly flirts with other women
Even when you are together he subconsciously keeps flirting with other women. He doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he is looking at other girls as well. Did you make your relationship exclusive yet? Presumably, he wants to give himself the freedom to still be on the market. And the ‘relationship’ you are in, feels more casual rather than exclusive.
17. Every meeting involves a hook-up
This is a sign that tells you he is with you simply for physical intimacy. Every time you hang out together it seems that you end up hooking up. There is no quality time spent together and no value of emotional closeness. There are no conversations and you are not getting to know each other. Also, it might seem that this is all he wants from you.
18. You are constantly paying
I am all about splitting the bill and the woman paying as well. But are you the one constantly paying for things, even if it was his idea? If so, be a bit careful. He might be using you for money and free meals. Not all men are after sex and companionship, some are after your finances as well!
19. He doesn’t do favors for you
If he is okay with you doing things for him but not the opposite, that’s a pretty telltale sign that he is using you. Your needs and favors seem like a hassle to him and he gets angry whenever you want him to do something for you. He simply ignores your attempts to get him to help out, and everything seems to fall on deaf ears. However, even after all this, he still asks for a favor from you and doesn’t reciprocate as much as you are.
20. He talks only about his problems
It seems that every conversion revolves around him. And if you try to talk about your problems, he redirects the attention to him. His problems need to be fully addressed and his problems only. Yours don’t matter. And if you get the chance to talk about your day, he will get angry that you are only talking about yourself. Or he will simply shut you out and not listen. Him not being willing to be at the receiving end of your venting might be a sign that he is using you.
21. He says that he’ll leave you
Is this a constant threat you are getting? The second that things do not go his way he threatens to leave you. Not to mention the tantrums he throws when you refuse to get things done for him. This is a big sign that you need to take this relationship and connection into consideration as it is pointing in a toxic direction.
22. You feel like you are being used
You are getting this gut feeling that something is wrong and you are being used. Before jumping to conclusions you need to check with yourself whether this is logical and factual or simply just a feeling. Sometimes past traumatic experiences make us skeptical of our surroundings. But, if he checks the above boxes, there is definitely something going on. If you’re sensing a particular toxic pattern of his behavior towards you, then he might just be displaying exploitative behavior towards you. Try to see if your intuitive thought has reasons to believe so or not.
What would he use you for?
You just verified that you got a feeling of yours, that he is actually using you. And what invades your thoughts is “Why? What is he using me for? That can be difficult to find out. Here are some common reasons why he uses you: – Sex. He just wants you to satisfy his sexual needs. – Companionship and validation. As long as there’s someone to be there for him, he’ll use them instead of loneliness. – To make his ex jealous. He uses you to either get back to his ex-girlfriend, make her jealous, or take revenge on her. – Money. when a man is not financially stable, he tends to excrete that money from another source, you might be that source. – Ego. Sometimes using you comes for one simple reason, an ego boost. He needs a compliment, a confirmation to himself of what he’s capable of, he needs an ego boost. – Doesn’t want to commit – He wants to be able to do things freely and on his own. He might feel like you hold him back from a fun, new experience. – He feels entitled to do so: he’s a player. Society has given him the power of switching from one woman to the other. And since most of society deems this acceptable, he is allowed to dip his fingers in as many dishes as he wants.
What to do when he’s using you?
It is easy to be scared to start something new if you have experienced this before. You don’t feel validated, you feel used, and worst of all, you don’t feel like you’re worthy. You’re left wondering what went wrong, and how did he get such a sense of entitlement when it comes to you. Well, here’s what you should be doing when he’s using you:
Take your time to think about the situation, his behavior, and its effects on you.Remind yourself that this is not your fault nor a result of something you did.With a calm and non-defensive approach give your connection a try by addressing his behavior and talking about it.Set your boundaries and let him know what those boundaries are.You’ve got every right to walk away if you feel like you no longer have a reason to stay in this relationship.Talk to your trusted therapist when you need guidance and emotional support.
You’ve got this! Love, Callisto
