This topic becomes a problem when the person can’t control their anger. Being in a relationship with a man who has anger issues can be quite a challenge. It’s true that relationships are all about understanding, compassion, and working on flaws. Hence, pinning down this problem might leave you drained and part of a toxic relationship. Of course, if he is willing to work on his anger issues then you could find a middle way to make things work. Even though a study shows that men and women express feelings differently, childhood is another element to discuss. Most children with tough childhoods tend to not know how to communicate properly and express their feelings. To have a bigger picture on this, check 16 signs a man has anger issues: *Disclaimer: These signs can be fundamental, simple, hidden, or even destructive. How these signs are expressed or manifested, all depends on his personality and his will to change.
1. He justifies everything that he does wrong
When a man has anger issues, he tends to see things in black and white. He might justify his behavior even though he might notice that what he’s doing is wrong. At times, he might slightly agree that his behavior might be “wrong” yet he still has a backup answer for that. He will immediately come up with a quick reason for his behavior. He won’t ever admit his mistakes and always it will be someone or something else that made him do it. In a research paper, Goodman stated that one is unwilling to accept something that is against his beliefs or principles. This might be a result of childhood trauma. If he was overly criticized during his childhood by his parents or teachers, this will be a reason for his behavior.
2. Sudden rage which is irrelevant
If a man has anger issues then he will have an abrupt rage. He will react, make noise and shout even for the smallest thing. I am not implying that is wrong to have slight tantrums. Everyone experiences it at least once for a short period of time. The thing is that you should check the duration and how repetitive are these tantrums. If he is annoyed constantly for the smallest thing and overreacts about them then he has anger issues. Sometimes you won’t even know the exact reason why he is angry. You will reflect on the past events or even on your behavior and nothing would connect. The main reason that he might get angry would be himself. Maybe he is hit by a short wave of not being fulfilled or happy with life and he expresses it in this way.
3. He hits and punches things around him
People can express the feeling of being angry in any way. Some ways are harmless and some others are not. If he is not content with something and punches things around him, he has anger issues. In this situation, he is not able to condemn himself and control his rage. This might be a result of his approach to other people in the past. It is quite important to know how his past relationships impacted him. You should be aware that this is not labeled as a common way of coping with anger. It is not quite easy to manage anger, but being an adult and having tantrums requires a different approach. In general, children can throw things to express their outrage but adults have other ways to cope. If you don’t reflect on this situation early, this type of behavior can become toxic.
4. He can’t stand it when you disagree with him
One of the main signs that he has anger issues is when he doesn’t stand to be wrong. Instead of reflecting on his behavior, he will shout, call you names, and laugh at you. He will turn the situation around and shift the focus from him to you. Other than this, depending on his personality, instead of reflecting, he will isolate himself. A man who has low self-esteem will play the victim instead of communicating and improving his flaws. This is what keeps him distracted from dealing with the problem itself and with the guilt.
5. He belittles you
No matter what reason he is angry, he will express his feelings by making you feel bad about yourself. Let’s take, this example! If he is shooting for his favorite football team and he is angry, he would say something like, “Oh come on, you females are stupid, wouldn’t understand it”. If you are wearing something tight and he comes from work angry, he would say something like, “This dress would look way better on someone who is skinnier than you.” This is a different way of expressing his anger but yet is quite toxic, at the same extent as shouting and hitting things.
6. He blames everyone but himself
A man with grumpy behavior will always blame it on the world. One of the signs that your boyfriend or husband has anger issues is that they will blame everyone else but himself. This could be even for the smallest things. If he didn’t perform well at work, he would be quite angry and blame his colleagues. If this happens all the time and he doesn’t spot the problem that is preventing his progress, he has anger issues. Especially, men who have a greater ego tend to avoid admitting mistakes and reflect on the situation. A narcissistic partner that has anger issues and to attract attention, they would do it: Blame it on others!
7. He has a difficult time communicating properly
When a man has anger issues, communication isn’t his best trait. A man who is dealing with anger issues will reflect this energy on you. You will communicate less, there will be a lot of fights and you will disconnect in a form. With time you’ll understand that you will be less interested in him and you will be less attracted. All this is a result of a lack of communication. If in a relationship, you can’t manage some type of communication then you will start to drift away. A man doesn’t choose his feelings because it will feel like he is swallowing his pride. Regarding this issue, coaches from Relationship Hero are able to offer their extra help. You will be able to have a one-on-one session so you can spot the root of the issue and build up the attraction.
8. You hesitate to be honest with him
This is one of the most important signs. If you can’t be open with him because he immediately jumps to conclusions and yells then he has anger issues already. Whenever you give an opinion about his style, his way of eating or everything, he will oppose you. You just don’t feel safe to be yourself around him because he will not know how to react to criticism. There are a couple of reasons why you can’t open up to him. He will take everything as a personal attack and make you feel guilty for those words. Short-tempered people, usually, choose self-defense mode.
9. You are afraid to make mistakes when around him
If your partner has anger issues then he will make you feel small and lose your self-confidence. One of the basic rules of a relationship is to understand one another and work on your flaws. When a man has anger issues, he won’t tolerate it if you make any mistakes. In this case, he would shout, laugh at you and even call you names. It depends on his personality, but some make it look like it’s a game and that’s a joke. On the other hand, he might be quite straightforward with his insults. This happens because he has unrealistic expectations from you. A man who has low self-confidence has this version of a perfect partner. The thing is that he is angry with himself and expresses that to you.
10. He disagrees that he gets angry quite often
A man with anger issues gets angry quite often and without a reason. If you try to explain to him that he gets angry quite often and doesn’t work on his feelings, he won’t listen. He isn’t ready yet to take responsibility for his actions. Sometimes, it’s not that he doesn’t want to. There are external factors that prevent him from reflecting. It could be his work environment, relationship with you, or internal issues. Unless he spots what has been causing his anger, he won’t be able to reflect. Otherwise, he would continue to disagree. It’s either because he can’t reflect or he doesn’t want to.
11. He has a controlling behavior
A controlling partner has constant anger issues. What causes his anger is the need to have everything under control. If he isn’t aware of any of your events or with whom you are having coffee, he will be angry. The behavior of a controlling partner is quite toxic and exhausting. A partner who is controlling isn’t always shouting and yelling at you. He might be quite calming and manipulative. If he can’t control things then he will try every possible way to manipulate you emotionally or mentally.
12. He doesn’t respect your boundaries
A man with anger issues will not be respectful. He won’t respect you, your opinions, or even your boundaries. You might notice that he will constantly push you to fulfill his needs and be mad if that won’t happen. In this case, he will be angry every time he needs to put your needs before his. Or, let me explain it differently. He will be angry every time he needs to compromise and understand you as his partner. This is one of the signs of disrespect in a relationship, and that should be a big signal to reflect on your situation.
13. He has destructive behavior
The destructive behavior means I am going to hurt you by hurting myself. Having anger issues is not expressed only with words. Someone who has destructive behavior and anger issues will have it hard to connect with you. By this, I mean that it’s hard for him to connect with you emotionally like other people. There might be a physical attraction but he might get angry immediately when you try to hug him or kiss him. He would push you away or remove your hand from his. He might push you away at times if he isn’t feeling it or tired but if he does this constantly then he has anger issues.
14. He refuses to spot the issue that causes his anger
In one way or another, he won’t cooperate with you. If you offer the help to understand what lies behind the anger, he won’t take it. Instead, he would be even angrier if you are persistent to pin the problem down. Most of the time, the ego of the man is one of the main reasons why they refuse any help. In this situation, he might even oppose you and not admit that he is angry. He might be the type that copes with his feelings by denying his flaws or issues.
15. The anger doesn’t go away quickly
If he has anger issues then his anger will be in the loop. He will constantly frown, shout, pout or even isolate himself for a long time. When a man is angry his anger will go away for at least 10 mins, if he has anger issues that will last for days. As I mentioned earlier, he will try to deny that he is hung up on his anger even though his actions say the contrary. Persistent anger can be quite negative for the individual and the relationship too. That is caused by stress, family problems, and other overwhelming situations. His anger will last longer if he is exposed to these types of issues.
16. He has mood swings
When he has anger issues his mood changes frequently. In one minute, he might be shouting and at other times he might be laughing uncontrollably. This happens when he practically tries to manage the situation but everything falls out of his hands. The anger might not be expressed immediately at you. He might fuss with other people or he might even hit things. His mood changes interchangeably and it might make you confused. At times he might say that he is not angry but his actions will say the contrary.
Is it ok to date a man with anger issues?
Dating a man who has anger issues is a red flag only when he doesn’t have a will to change. Hence, entering a relationship with a man who has anger issues without talking about it, can be a red flag. If you are dating and notice the signs of a man who has anger issues, it is better to address them early. If you try to ignore them, then it will be a bigger problem later when you form a relationship. Anger can be managed once you spot the root of the problem. One way to notice if he is able to work on his anger issues and if he can handle them is while dating him. Remember, that this situation will not be easy and sometimes he won’t work on his flaws. This journey will be difficult and will have many ups and downs. A man who has anger issues will change only if he decides to work on these flaws for himself and not for others. Your help is quite important in this situation but you should offer help to the extent that doesn’t harm you. I do not suggest staying in a relationship hoping that he will change. Keep in mind that it will take a lot of time for someone to work on anger issues. Decide if investing time in this situation is worth it for you.
What to do if you’re dating a man who has anger issues?
The main thing you can do if you’re dating a man who has anger issues is to set your boundaries and be understanding.
- Try to understand the situation and if your partner is willing to change. In this case, it is better to spot what causes his quick temper. Is his personality, has he had a rough childhood, and were his other relationships toxic? All these questions will lead you to understand the background behind his actions.
- Be understanding and cooperative but keep your boundaries. Once you set your boundaries, you are able to reflect differently. If you don’t have your limits then it will be easier for him to manipulate your feelings and thoughts. Now, he will play the role of the victim and make you feel guilty for not understanding or even accusing him.
- Know that you can help but you don’t have the definite power for changing the situation. You can offer your help but if you are persistent and he doesn’t take action to change it, things will be the same. If he doesn’t do anything about this situation, it is better to take a step back.
- If you are experiencing violence in any form, you should consider leaving. If he abuses you verbally or physically then it is better to stop dating him or being in the relationship. Know that love is not enough when you are filled with negative emotions. His controlling behavior will get out of hand and then the situation will be worse later. You’ll find yourself in a loop of negative thoughts and unhappy moments.
Extra help from a licensed therapist!
Normally, these situations are hard to handle and there is always a need for a therapist. You can take sessions for couples or even recommend your partner to attend them alone. Know that is not that easy to convince him to work on his anger issues. Yet, you should be flexible while approaching him and trying to help him. Here are two main options for specialized therapy:
- Good Therapy to work on anger issues.
- Getting help for cognitive therapy to find out what is causing his anger.
Defining the signs he has anger issues
One of the most definite signs he has anger issues is that he will overreact to everything. Even for the smallest inconvenient thing, he will pout, shout, and tell how he is not happy about it. His behavior won’t always be shouting and throwing things. He might be pretty calm and either isolate himself from you and the world or manipulate your feelings. Either way, if you encounter any of these signs it is better to have a conversation with him. If that’s impossible, seek the help of other professionals and make your next movement. I know that this situation can be pretty hard to handle, yet be strong and keep swimming. Best, Callisto
