Putting your partner’s honesty into question can be a difficult position to be in. You don’t want your doubts to be confirmed, but on the other hand, you don’t want to be lied to. There are ways to tell if a man is lying, specifically, signs to help you note if your man is lying to you. Breaking down the psychology behind lying isn’t easy. However, once the signs of dishonesty in a relationship start showing up, the truth is almost unavoidable at all costs. Lying can bring relationships to their end slowly or rapidly because, at the end of the day, truth is among the crucial things we seek. To clear up your mind and end your doubts, here are 10 ground-breaking signs that he’s lying:
1. His body language confronts what he’s saying
The non-verbal cues one can give while they’re talking are just as expressive as their verbal expressions. In this case, if you’re looking for signs of a deceitful man, his body language can be one of the factors to help you shine a light on the truth. Usually, liars are focused on their story and the verbal presentation. That makes them neglectful of their body language, and this is often where they slip up… In other words, if he’s trying to cover, bend, or hide the truth verbally, his body language won’t follow up with what his mouth is saying. Here are some of the most common non-verbal signs he is lying
His eye contact becomes unusual.
Some of the most significant cues you can get through body language is eye contact. If he’s lying he’s likely to have a strange way of making eye contact with you while he’s talking.He could a) avoid eye contact, or b) stare for long periods.Avoiding eye contact is a subconscious response to the situation(s) as a way of “not facing the truth” or not letting you get to him.Staring for long periods is another subconscious response to the situation(s) to make his story more convincing.
He seems nervous and under high stress: he grooms and fidgets frequently.
When the body is aware of the possibility of getting caught in something that could lead to shame or guilt, it automatically becomes exposed to high stress.That stress and nervousness manifest through unusual behavior such as self-grooming, fidgeting, and uncontrollable hand gestures.
He covers his mouth.
When your body isn’t following up with what you’re talking about, you’ll automatically move in ways that confront what you’re saying.In this case, covering the mouth is a way of the body to cover the truth, or stop itself from saying things it’s not supposed to say or that don’t coordinate with the truth.
His blinking also becomes unusual: compulsively blinking or no blinking at all.
Again, one of the most significant cues you can get through body language is eye contact.Due to the pressure and high stress that lying causes him to feel, his blinking can get unusual.He might blink too much to the point where it doesn’t seem normal, or he might stare without blinking for very long periods.
He seems to be forcing his ‘relaxed’ posture.
Forcing a relaxed posture is more of a conscious thing he could do when he’s lying. It’s a way of trying to convey the truth in what he’s saying because “he’s not stressed if he’d be telling the truth.” However, because this posture is forced, his subconscious self will give clues that something about this is off.This is why you’ll pick up on it and realize that this relaxed pose of him is forced and odd.
He breathes and swallows heavily.
Other manifestations of high stress are heavy breathing and hard-swallowing.Besides them being an automatic response of his body, wallowing heavily is also a way of gaining time to think of the next thing he’s going to say.
Lack of movement: He stays still.
When feeling ‘endangered’ the mind subconsciously leads the body to get in a ‘fight or flight’ mode which will help the body avoid or participate in the confrontation.When he’s lying, if he’s not making abnormal and uncontrollable movements, he could be staying too still to the point it’s noticeable.
He presses his lips.
Pressing the lips after telling a lie is yet another common manifestation of body language under the stress of keeping up with a lie.It’s the body automatically reacting to the conscious. He said something that isn’t true, and his body is under high stress at the moment.He will press his lips after telling a lie without knowing he’s doing so.
He physically backs off.
It’s a body’s self-defense movement when sensing ‘high risk’ or ‘stress’. In this case, this is a stressful situation for him, and it puts him at risk of being exposed or shamed. Backing off is also a way of the body showing dissatisfaction and lack of will to be present in a situation or place.
2. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” or “I don’t remember.”
Pretending not to know what you’re talking about, or what you’re trying to address, has been documented as a common behavior of liars.
Logically, this can seem to be a good way of escaping the discussion leaving you with nothing else to argue further.
Pretending to not have a clue about what you’re trying to address is often a way of either entirely avoiding the conversation, or gaining time to think about the response. You should take this, however, with a grain of salt and consideration towards his body language and further verbal expression. One of the ways to tell that he’s lying is to see how willing he is to reassure you of the truth and to observe his reaction to what you’re addressing. Usually, it is not a good sign if the first thing he does is do his best to avoid the topic with phrases such as “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
It’s also a way of making you question your reality and the weight of what you’re addressing.
This behavior tends to fall in the toxic spectrum due to its damaging effects on the participant(s). At some point, it can even be considered gaslighting.
3. He gets very defensive and minimizes the problem
One of the most significant characteristics that he’s lying about when confronted is getting very defensive and attempting to minimize the weight of the problem. He knows he messed up, but he feels like he can get away with it by reacting and handling the situation “just right.” A few ways to tell that he’s getting defensive about the issue are
He gets angry and his voice gets louder.
When he’s in a defensive mode when he’s lying he can seem mad about it so that he turns the tables and makes you feel guilty for bringing it up.This is a behavior used as a tool to manipulate you into believing that he’s innocent and that you shouldn’t have brought up the issue in the first place. Moreover, it is a manipulative tactic to prevent you from bringing this up again.
He exaggerates his emotions.
When he’s lying, he’s likely to exaggerate his emotions to seem more believable in what he’s telling you.He could act very angry, very sad, or very disappointed by displaying exaggerated emotions followed by also exaggerated verbal expressions to defend himself.
He accuses you instead – “How could you accuse me of such a thing?!”
One of the ways that liars commonly get away from dealing or confessing the truth is accusing others or you of what they did, or something else that doesn’t have to do with your situation.This way, the focus and attention of the conversation get pointed at you instead of at him.This is a way of changing the direction of the conversation by making you get defensive instead of asking him to tell you the truth.
He tries convincing you of how much of a “small deal” this is by using phrases such as “Are you serious?”
This is yet another way of defending himself and his position by making you regret bringing the issue up. When he feels guilty but doesn’t want to confess or admit he’s likely to lie and back it up by convincing you of a small issue you’re addressing. In this case, you’d be aware of phrases and words that liars use such as “You’re exaggerating this.” “You’re being dramatic, it’s honestly not that big of a deal.” “Are you serious? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
4. His way of talking becomes odd
When he’s lying, he’s in a rush of emotions, stress, and nervousness, so much that it becomes difficult for him to keep control of every cue he’s giving, including verbal language. If he’s lying to you, he’s more likely to change his way of talking due to the stressful condition that the situation is causing (i.e. doesn’t talk like he does normally). A few ways to tell he’s lying through the way he talks are
He uses an excessive amount of filling words (um, sort of, kinda, like, etc).
When a person is under high stress they tend to not be in control of what they’re talking about, and they easily lose focus on how they might sound to the other person. If he’d been telling the truth, he wouldn’t be stressing as much. That’s why an excessive amount of filling words such as “um”, “sort of”, “kinda”, “like”, etc, is one of the signs that a person isn’t telling the truth when they’re talking.
He gets very cynical – E.g. “I didn’t go to the stupid event”
Liars tend to exaggerate negative expressions when they’re lying. You can notice that through his choice of words to describe something in particular. An example of this exaggeration could be “I didn’t go to the stupid event” or “I was texting with my dumb brother” This is often done as a way to distract you by his ‘angry’ behavior, and exaggeration so that he can seem more believable.
He stutters.
This is yet another manifestation of stress. If he’s not the type to stutter in a normal situation and is stuttering when you confront him about something, then he’s either lying or he’s feeling attacked and stressed that you brought up the situation.
He takes a long time to respond or doesn’t talk much.
If he doesn’t typically take a long time to respond in normal situations, but at the time of confrontation he is, then something could be off. Liars tend to take their time when responding, especially if you ask about something they didn’t think through beforehand. In your case, he might be taking his time as a subconscious response to the situation, or not talking at all because he can’t think of anything reasonable to respond to your questions.
5. He slips something by accident
He knows the truth, but he also is aware that he’s hiding it. Since he’s very focused on the line of the story, a simple question to interrupt it might make him slip something by accident.
He’ll either correct himself right away with a very high note in his voice, or he’ll be unaware that he said something that doesn’t add up with his story.
Getting away with a lie takes a lot of effort, intelligence, and manipulation. It takes a solid calculation of everything: body language, story, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. Because he’s lying, he’s also under the fear of getting caught, which can make him anxious and stressed. Those will make him miss a few details along the way.
When he’s lying his story can seem inconsistent, and he might even respond about things you didn’t ask him about in the first place.
6. Your gut is sensing that something is off
Just like he’s giving off signs subconsciously that he’s lying – meaning, he’s not quite aware that he’s giving off signs – you’re receiving signs subconsciously as well. Usually, sensing that there’s something off immediately, is one of the signs that your boyfriend or husband is lying to you. Here are a few things that come along with the sense of wrongness
You sense insecurity and confusion in him.
This is especially significant if you’re confronting him about something in particular. If he seems insecure and confused – for example, responding to your questions with a tone of the question at the end of his responses – chances are he’s nervous about something. Your body and mind receive that signal whether you consciously can spot it or not. Hence the gut feeling that there’s something off.
He forces a laugh before he responds.
The rush of emotions and the urge to make his story seem believable can make him force a laugh before he responds to your question(s). That so that he can gain time to think the story through, or to give you the impression that your question(s) and/or concern(s) are absurd and unnecessary.
The pace of his speech changes, and his tone changes inconsistently.
When he’s lying, he’s more likely to be focused on the story and its details. However, because he’s very focused on that, and under stress about it, he might not be aware of the changes in his tone and the pace of his speech. He’s trying to make the story more believable to you, so subconsciously he raises his voice and lowers it inconsistently.
7. His statements are long and indirect: they’re shallow
He seems to say a lot, but you don’t get the point he’s trying to make? He could be lying to you. As explained above, a lot of liars tend to exaggerate their words and their way of expressing themselves. That – as you may have already understood – to distract you from the main issue. His statements may seem shallow due to his way of
Repeating the same words or saying several words with similar meanings.
He might even use long words throughout his speech before he gets to a point if he ever gets there. When lying, the main key is to distract you, or to hopefully make you change the topic. The urge and need to make himself seem believable can make him go beyond his ways and exaggerate his speech to the point where it doesn’t make any sense. For example, “I’m going to say it, I want you to listen to me, and I’ll say it again, I did not go without Johnny to that party.”
He’s saying a lot of things, but nothing makes any sense.
This is the part where he doesn’t acknowledge anything on one hand and doesn’t make any point on the other. This can often be his way of avoiding talking about the event or situation to minimize the chances of slipping up.
He brings out other problems.
This is used as a tactic by liars to distract you from the main issue, to avoid responsibility, to make you feel guilty, and/or to avoid talking about what they have to talk about.
8. He sets a base before he says what he has to say
He prepares himself, he gains time, he distracts you, but also makes the story more believable by setting and preparing a base before addressing what he has to. That can be done through using shallow words, words with the same meaning, or doing other things such as forcing a laugh before responding. If he does that, he’s likely to be lying to you. Specifically, he sets the base before he says what he has to say when
He forces a laugh before responding.
This can be an automatic/subconscious response to the stress and adrenaline he might be processing, but it can also be a conscious choice for him. He might do it to set the base for what he has to say and make you have a feeling that you’re overreacting and that you shouldn’t have brought up the issue with him. This way he sets a base for what he has to say next, which can make it more believable when you’re already doubting the weight of the issue you’re addressing to him.
He uses too many words with the same meaning before he concludes anything.
He prepares you for something just to add more to his speech. For example, “I want to be honest with you, and I know I told you this before, but I’m honestly […]” He might even repeat your words before responding to you. If he’d been telling the truth he’d be a bit more simple with his speech. For example, “I didn’t do that, and I never would.” instead of saying “You know me, you know I’ve always been honest with you, and I told you this before. I did not do what you think I did.” Trust issues are one of the factors that slowly break a relationship to pieces. It is something to work on, and something that heals with time, effort, and therapy.Talk to a professional, talk to your relationship hero, now.
9. He doesn’t follow his words with actions
Leaving the confrontations and the circumstances of a spontaneous lie, there are also long-term signs of his lies. One of those signs is when he says he’ll do something or commit to something in particular, and never does what he says or even never mentions it again. You can consider this if this is something he does consistently. A few other long-term signs that he’s lying to you are
He lies about small things.
A person who doesn’t have a problem lying about small things is someone more likely to lie about bigger issues as well. It’s the thought of “I can get away with this” that pushes the majority of people to lie about things. If he lies about minor things, you want to look out for other issues as well. It relates to accountability and a sense of responsibility. If he lies, he’s likely to have those dimmed.
He doesn’t keep up with his promises.
This relates to his sense of responsibility and accountability for his actions and words. If he’s not able or capable to remember and keep his promises, he could be breadcrumbing you into the relationship. It is a manipulative tactic that allows him to keep you around by giving you a false idea of what the future with him could look like by giving you empty promises that he never plans to keep.
He displays toxic behavior such as gaslighting when you address particular situations.
Gaslighting doesn’t have to relate to lying necessarily, however, it does in most cases. This one makes no exceptions. If you find yourself constantly questioning your memory and capability of remembering things when with him, then you might want to start taking notes… If he’s constantly denying things you saw him do, or things you heard him say, then that is not only a lie, that is a manipulation tactic that can be very damaging to your mental health.
10. His way of telling the story lacks self-reference
When he’s lying he avoids acknowledging anything due to his focus to deliver a message that sounds as true and as innocent as possible. While he’s focusing on making his claim perfectly innocent, he prevents self-reference. For example, he doesn’t use “I saw”, “I did”, or “I didn’t”, instead he uses phrases such as “I feel like” So, generally, he avoids giving solid straight responses with a clear message behind them.
Unless he’s convinced himself of what he’s lying to you to be true, he’ll be having difficulties acknowledging anything, especially referring to the situation from his point of view.
He could be hesitant while talking, or very brief even when he uses the “I” word in his speech.
Instead of referring to the story/explanation from himself and point of view, when he’s lying, he’s more likely to refer to third parties or other participants in the event(s) or situation(s).
Liars do this without being aware of it, or they do it consciously so that they don’t exactly lie, but also avoid telling the truth. For example, if he is lying about a text he sent, he could say something along the lines of “I looked at my history and it didn’t show any texts sent to that woman” In this case, he could be telling the truth, he might have looked at the history, and found nothing because he deleted everything. He’s not lying to you. He’s just avoiding responding to your question straightforwardly.
How to catch him lying while confronting him?
Besides looking at the signs he might slip up, there are a few ways that are known to be effective when confronting a liar. Here are 5 ways you can catch him lying while confronting
- Ask him questions in a non-chronological order about the particular event. Instead of asking him the questions from the beginning to the end, go the other way around.
- Be relaxed and don’t make him feel attacked. This way you allow him to talk more and feel like he’s getting away with his lies. Leading him to talk more and give you more signs.
- Ask him the same questions differently. If he’s lying, he’s more likely to slip up when he answers the same questions at different times. Try to ask the same questions but in different wording and different timings of the conversation.
- Ask him questions he might not expect. Liars tend to prepare their lies and the possible questions that you might come up with. He’s more likely to slip up if an unexpected question comes along.
- Get on his side – agree with what he’s disagreeing with. For example, if he says he regrets something, try to calmly justify it and make it seem like something “not worth regretting” This way you build a safe space for him to either confess or spill out more and increase the chances for him to slip up.
Conclusion – Is there a way to straight-up tell that he’s lying?
No, there is no way to straight-up tell if he’s lying. However, if you find a lot of these signs to resonate with his behavior, then it might just be telling you something. Keep in mind that there are people capable of lying, and cheating, without ever getting caught. Follow your gut, your senses, and your logic. Always keep in mind how a loving and sincere partner would react to your concerns. Love, Callisto
